...is when the tunes playing inside my head,
turn out to be the LORD trying to tell me something...
Monday, October 25, 2004
Did I mention that I am in love?
A week after my husband died, as I was going through the little address book he had always kept in his wallet, making sure I had invited all of his friends to the upcoming memorial service, I ran across the name of one of his friends. A bachelor, about my own age. And as I looked at his name on the page, this little thought about him hit my brain then - about how he was my own age, and was a bachelor.
That thought got stuck there.
And it grew.
And the next thing I knew, I was in the fight of my life, fighting tooth and nail not to fall in love with him.
Why was I fighting not to fall in love? Well, for one thing, the man hadn't shown a bit of interest in me. But the main reason was that I didn't want to be in love with any man without knowing for sure that this was the man the LORD Jesus had in mind for me. I didn't think this one was.
Well, I was pretty sure he wasn't.
Well, I knew the LORD hadn't given me the go-ahead. So even if this was the right guy, it was the wrong time.
And so I fought it. Fought hard.
Lost the fight.
It was a totally miserable time of my life. Wanting to guard my heart, failing at it. Enjoying the bubbly feelings of being in love, but knowing all the while I shouldn't be having them. Wanting out, but having this little thought inside me that maybe, just possibly, the man would show an interest in me after all...
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
And then on a certain day, as I was praying and crying out to the LORD about the huge mess I had let myself get into, I heard the LORD say to me quite plainly, 'Then fall in love with ME.'
'Oh yes please!' I responded. And I did - I fell in love with the LORD. Totally, absolutely, head-over-heels, madly, passionately...
Does that sound weird? Maybe it is weird. Maybe.
Do I care if it's weird?
Because you see, I soon began to recognize what had happened within me, this falling in love with the Savior. I thought at first that this inside me was like when I had first fallen in love with my late husband - those giddy days of our courtship.
But then I realized that it went back further than that. Back to the time when I was in my teens, and I first got saved. When I first opened my heart to the Savior and HE came in.
It was the First Love! And I had somehow let that slip. Slowly, imperceptively, I had let my love for the Savior dull and die down. Now it was back, in breathless sweet fervancy.
And so, as I said, I am in love - in love with the One who ransomed me with HIS own life's blood.
As for the man, my late husband's old friend - one night when I had come to the absolute end of my own strength in the matter and cried out to Jesus, throwing myself utterly on HIS strength - HE broke it. HE delivered me, set me free. It was wonderful!!!
(Ummm... one more thing. There... is a certain man in my life now. A dear and wonderful man - a Christian - a man that I believe so much alike with that it is all but unbelievable.
And this time, it was the LORD who pointed him out to me. Who said to me, 'He is the one; you may go ahead and fall in love with him.'
So - I did.)
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